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Someday I, Too, Would Be a Naked Lady

As originally appeared on SexWrecks.
As a little girl, I thought women who took their clothes off for magazines or movies were bad. It had something to do with Christian values.

In CCD (Sunday School that was on Saturday), I fantasized about Babylon, where people just ran around naked infuriating God. When God changed their language I pictured everybody freaking out trying to communicate and just getting frustrated and killing each other. This was my interpretation of the story, and I believed that God would rather have dead naked people than live ones.

Kathleen Turner was the first actress I remember whom I felt was a sinful whore whom God should definitely punish. My parents had a VHS recording of Body Heat and I was forbidden to see it. I thought she was a slut-whore who needed a good talking to. Later I felt guilty for liking her in Romancing the Stone. And I figured Danny DeVito was her punishment–not just because he was ugly but because he was ugly, short, and mean on Taxi. Kathleen Turner reminded me of my mom and I wanted her to go away; my mommy would never be naked in public.

Then Jennifer Jason Leigh took off her clothes in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I though she was so pretty and it was such a shame she had to degrade herself. I wanted to be her friend and save her from that skanky Phoebe Cates girl. I figured it was a mistake on her part and that Phoebe Cates talked her into it. I would definitely be a much better influence.

Then Phoebe was in Gremlins and a really nice girl, while Jennifer went on to star in really weirdo movies and get naked in all of them, like Flesh and Blood and Last Exit to Brooklyn. So I was confused and decided I liked Phoebe Cates better since she was naked less.

More actresses started getting naked as I got older, and I grew more frustrated that these beautiful women would objectify their bodies just for a movie. I also thought of the millions of men jerking-off to these women and I was sick to my stomach.

Daryl Hannah really freaked me out. I saw Splash and forgave her for showing her boobies in that cause I really couldn’t see how she could portray a mermaid without doing it. I also thought she was a little slow cause her eyes kind of crossed a little and she wasn’t very articulate.

Then I saw Reckless and I fell in love with Aiden Quinn. Daryl Hannah touched her nipple with her wet finger. It was wet cause she licked it! Then her finger went down below!

I watched this movie many times. I had secretly taped it off cable. It was the first sex movie that I related to. I hoped that when I was 17 my mom would give me a Bloomingdales card to spend on whatever I wanted like Tracy’s mom did. This scene takes place in the parents’ bedroom and Tracy is in bed completely naked while Aiden Quinn sneaks out the window. The credit card distracted me at the time but now I wonder why her mother didn’t think it was weird that she was naked. They must have been a naked family.

Somewhere in there, I caught the Playboy Channel. My parents had it in their bedroom–one of the wonders of cable. I once caught a glimpse of five Asian women in a bubble bath, using their breasts to wash each other’s asses. The visual of one woman rubbing her nipple up and down over another woman’s butt crack has stayed with me for 20 years. I remember absentmindedly touching myself cause I could feel my crotch starting to move. It just felt really good for a tiny second and then it got a little wet.

After that I would watch the channel and sit on my mother’s “back massager” that for some reason smelled a little funny. (I now have broken five “back massagers”. Walgreens’ brand is cheap.) I never went to full orgasm; I felt too guilty. Plus, my mother told me never to play with her back massager, and I was scared she would discover me. She did; the vibration noises were quite loud. I always felt like I was doing something wrong when I touched it. I also secretly knew that she sat on it too, and I figured she didn’t want any of her sin to rub off on me.

Soon thereafter, I saw a Playboy Channel movie wherein a blonde chick wanted to have sex with some old guy. He made her look at some naked Asian girl who was licking her lips and moaning something in her foreign tongue. The blonde refused and lay down on her stomach cowering while the Asian started to eat her ass. Yes, she started to eat her pooper! And the blonde chick got turned on and turned over to let her eat the pee-pee part too! Then the mirrored ceiling opened and all the blonde girl’s society friends applauded her and she was shamed forever.

What?! No way!
Why did they lick each other down there? At this point I think I probably did have an orgasm, but I can’t remember. Something did make me keep going back for more despite how bad I thought it was.

In summer 1984, I saw the Vanessa Williams issue of Penthouse. I was devastated. It was such a shame for the first black Miss America to be such a sinner. I figured the black community must have been enraged, too. But that didn’t stop me from posing naked in my closet with my best friend pretending to be a photographer and sometimes lesbian partner.

Madonna ultimately changed my mind forever. I discovered her in my “screw you” phase and thought she was speaking the Word of God. Oddly enough, Madonna’s nude pictures did not turn me on. Maybe it was because I approved of her actions wholeheartedly.

After having sex for the first time, I started to understand the reasons why it is a good idea to have naked women in movies. The reasons were even clearer after my first orgasm (with a vibrator). When I saw naked women, I got turned on, and when I got turned on I wanted to have an orgasm, and when I wanted to have an orgasm I went for the vibrator.

A really happy day was when I discovered that using the vibrator at the same time as watching a nude scene made me orgasm faster. And what was even better was the discovery that with a porn, a vibrator, and the ffw button on my remote, I could have up to thirteen orgasms in one session. Thirteen is the number I have yet to top due to being afraid of damaging my clit.

Now I applaud Kathleen Turner. I finally saw Body Heat and was extremely bored, but Kathleen Turner is really hot and has a nice realistic body. Crimes of Passion was better, and you almost see her pubic hair. Pubic hair was extreme for me and the ultimate sin–punishable by death.

I realized that Jennifer Jason Leigh made art films and the decision to be nude was made in the name of art. And Daryl Hannah is not slow except when it comes to her wardrobe choices. It’s funny that now I pose for nude pictures. What’s funnier is that I don’t get paid! I have done a complete 180 and embraced nudity to the extreme of thinking that it’s necessary.

I wonder how Sarah Jessica Parker made it thorough six seasons of Sex and the City without baring her chest. Jessica Alba’s refusal to expose herself makes my eyes roll. I now jump at the chance to watch any movie with Michelle Bauer in it and Russ Meyer is my hero.

4 Hot Responses to “Someday I, Too, Would Be a Naked Lady”

  1. 1
    rick p. Says:

    i love you alix!!!!!!!!!!
    rick ny

  2. 2
    Rodney Says:

    I love Michelle Bauer (AKA Pia Snow) and Russ Meyer is a god not a hero

  3. 3
    Channing Smith Says:

    You are a great writer 😉

  4. 4
    Grant Says:

    Your so amazing, talented and sexy wow your the total package that all men want thank you for all the pleasure you give you amazing lovely lady. :smile:

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Copyright 2008 Alix Lakehurst