History of my perversion…well a part of it.

Every time I was in a stressful or uncomfortable situation my brain would automatically go to sex. The earliest memory of this is being in school, probably grade school-old enough to know about sex but younger than menstruation. I was being scolded by a teacher, a very unattractive man teacher. I was a rebellious child. I think this scolding was when I beat up some kid for making fun of my overdeveloped chest. He called me socks and I beat the shit out of him. Anyway, sitting in the office after seeing the very embarrassed father of the kid I just beat up (devastated that his son sexually harassed a girl and she beat him up), I was being reprimanded by the principal and all the stress and confusion was too much for me. My mind went blank for a minute then all of a sudden I thought of him touching me. Touching my new size 32B bra with the pink bow on it. I tried really hard to stop thinking about it. But pushing that out of my head only led me into thinking about him taking his pants off and letting me play with him. Touch it and kiss it. Then he said something to the effect of “we are sorry that this boy was improper with you, but you should have come to us sooner before you decided to (rip his face apart). You have detention for a week.” I then realized that I wasn’t wrong for beating the kid up. I also realized that they were letting me off easy because I did in fact ask them form help and they did nothing. But because I had those naughty thoughts I forgot to say anything and just left. I never went to detention. I knew I didn’t have to.

Throughout my life I dealt with these uncomfortable situations by imagining being naked with whoever I was with. It never happened with my friends or family. It only happened with people in authority. I remember getting a ticket and being in court imagining giving the judge a blow job underneath his desk as he told me to go to driving school. I thought it several times with school counselors, therapists and college art teachers. Many of them women. I thought I was a sinner. They tell you in Sunday School that evil thoughts are sins too. But I am a rebel and I went immediately to porn. And it’s probably why I am here today. I’d also like to add that in my adolescence I had this weird fear that people could read my mind and the subject of my sinful thought knew somehow what I was thinking. Ha! Weirdo!

I don’t have thoughts like that much anymore since I finally have an outlet for my sexual frustration. It’s much more fun and rewarding than sitting across the desk of some unattractive victim of my perversion. I wonder if they knew that we could be naked.