Gifts. I get s lot of them and I try my best to show appreciation as soon as I can, but sometimes I’m too busy. And now I know how horrible they must feel. I’m sorry, it’s all I can say. I’ll try to find your emails and tell you what your gift meant to me.

For me, gifts are the kiss of death. I made such elaborate things for people and end up never seeing them again. I should learn’

I feel like a crazy person. I have no patience. And I believe what people say to me. I trust people, I want to trust people. But after the last few months, losing my family and all this changes, I don’t think I’m making the right decisions.

I forget that I am just a woman living in this world trying to connect with people. Trying to live a life like everyone else.

Today, I made a huge fool out of myself and I can’t do that. It’s nothing big, I just realized that I’m expendable and can be very invisible. And to be honest, I didn’t want to be invisible to them. I wanted to be important. I’m not. No one is more than anyone else.

Whatever comes from my mistakes today or yesterday, I know now I need to work. I don’t need any relationships (not that I have any) wanted or not.

I’m listening to the Cure for fuck’s sake!

Like I said…you’ll get pictures, but I have nothing good to say right now.

—————-
Now playing: The Cure – A Thousand Hours
via FoxyTunes

I know I use this pic too much but I like it. And yes, that’s why I’m listening to the Cure:

flicka flicka flicka
here you are
cata cata cata
caterpillar girl
flowing in
and filling up my hopeless heart
oh never never go
dust my lemon lies
with powder pink and sweet
the day i stop
is the day you change
and fly away from me

you flicker
and you’re beautiful
you glow inside my head
you hold me hypnotized
i’m mesmerized

your flames
the flames that kiss me dead
oh dust my lemon lies
with powder pink and sweet
the day i stop
is the day you change
and fly away from me

flicka flicka flicka
here you are
cata cata cata
caterpillar girl
flowing in
and filling up my hopeless heart
oh never never go
dust my lemon lies
with powder pink and sweet
the day i stop
is the day you change
and fly away
away from me

cata cata cata
caterpillar girl
cata cata cata
caterpillar girl
cata cata cata
caterpillar girl
cata cata cata
cata cata cata
caterpillar girl

—————-
Now playing: The Cure – The Caterpillar
via FoxyTunes

I won’t be writing for a while. As much as the comments have been very invaluable, precious and priceless, this is not what I want to do right now. I don’t want to fight, I want to be original and I need to get back there. Right now I’m in a world where everyone is looking at me but not seeing me at all. I can’t beg for appreciation when it’s not there.

I do not need armchair psychologists either, so if you think I am going down, unless you know me, keep it to yourself. Jenna Jameson made millions on crap that people would use as toilet paper while they read my book on the head.

I’m moving, things are changing and yeah, I’ll admit it, I’m not happy. But before you judge me ask yourself if you are happy.

I’ll still post pics, maybe use a few comments or erotica to accompany the pictures.

Who the fuck knows maybe I’ll post tomorrow.

Here are some of my favorites:

—————-
Now playing: The Cure – All I Want
via FoxyTunes

—————-
Now playing: The Cure – All I Want
via FoxyTunes

Go there and make me money!

—————-
Now playing: The Cure – Close To Me
via FoxyTunes

Occasionally, I’ll respond to a comment in a blog:

Laura and Eric Says:

With all due respect, you sound clinically depressed, and have for sometime now. I hope you can get some help and/or support and get back on your feet. My husband and I love vegging out and enjoy the Law & Order marathons, but all day crying spells and barely leaving the house (room) tells me something serious is going on. I hope to see you focus less on all of us (and the cam shows), and a little bit more on yourself and your family.

Laura and Eric

Alix Says:

Don’t worry, I didn’t cry today. I got up and went about my day with PMS (yes that sucks but I smiled). I went outside had a nice day and spent most of it wondering if I made the right choice by being so open about my life in the past posts and the one you both are referring to.

I’m not ashamed that you know so much but I’m glad You are here (you meaning all readers).

My question:
When am I supposed to stop telling the truth and start writing the happy blog posts?

Is it now?

Is this the time I should be auditioning for that Real Housewives of Chicago show (I’ll have to find husband-shouldn’t be hard)?

Do you want me to do that? Cause I certainly can. I can lie and lie and lie and lie.

I’m very wealthy, I own three homes including the manor in London. I jet set everywhere and have 15 female children from China that I caught at the bottom of the cliffs. Bruce (Willis) and I felt so empowered over that.

Because I’m so beautiful, I never have to worry about money, men or ever having to pay the rent again.

So from now on I will become less clinically depressed and tell you how my real life of glee and happiness is.

But why do you not like my clinical depression:

The past few days have been really hard for me.

I’m scared and all these changes are happening. I am beginning my own independence. I’m finally going to get to do my own thing and hope it is a success.

But I’m pretty afraid of failing too. For the past few nights, I’ve been talking to a friend of mine who made me so upset. There are so many things that could go wrong not with the business but within me. Suppose that’s true of everyone. But I should be farther than I am.

My friend reminded me of that. He showed me what he could see and what I couldn’t. It was very hard to hear, actually type. He didn’t understand my words since we couldn’t see me an I couldn’t let him hug me when I cried. No it was over chat.

I asked him to come by and see me, but he was out of town. I wondered what would have happened if he had. Honestly, I think I just wanted him to hold my hand. He also has a lovely pudgy stomach which would have been nice to lie my head on.

That’s what’s wrong. I’m scared.

And,
I was not a pretty girl in High School, those women are in the same towns having lunch and wiping their babies’ chins. I was me only me.

Thank God there is only one Alix!

Right now, I’m going into the bathroom to sit in the tub and cry because I have cabin fever, I’m frustrated, sad, heartbroken and (insert more sad words).

That’s pretty much how most of my days have been going. Sit in shower, cry, come out and watch Law and Order. I had a project and now its done. I’m gonna to be on ImLive today too. Might take my mind off these things.

I also miss my parents, and drugs. Actually, both combined were almost perfect. Now when I call I get accused of being on drugs, slurring words (which could be bad reception or I’m drunk), and that my life style is shameful.

Actually, a friend said something close to the lifestyle being shameful point. I think he was using it in a more “I’m scared to see you cause you might make me cheat on my wife” lifestyle.

And last but not least I can not get the pictures to work on here so you all are going to have to deal with big ones, which make it even less likely that you’ll buy 8×10’s. So lets add more shit to the fire shall we.

I would really appreciate the help if you buy some CD’s an autographed 8×10’s please!

Another picture, we are being lazy and I am planning on doing another drive like I did during Valentines. This time I will be prepared. I promise! I have 10 8×10’s coming and each will come with DVD’s. Like before the highest donation will set the bar. I promise you will get these within 2weeks.

We need a little money to set up our new studio so I can get fucked on video (looking for boys and girls) and fun videos with all the crazy things I can think of!

So get excited cause I am and start emailing your donation bids to me at alix@wecouldbenaked.com.

—————-
Now playing: ABBA – Money, Money, Money
via FoxyTunes

It’s been really hard for me to write lately. I will try later, will a picture do?

We are working on a site so please be patient and if you have any suggestions I am open to them but make sure you can back them as well.

—————-
Now playing: The Chemical Brothers – Setting Sun
via FoxyTunes

I’m very proud of myself right now. I made somethings. I actually used my hands for something other than masturbating. It was good for me because I know I still have it.

I don’t like calling myself an artist because it seems pretentious. I picture a yelling person splattering paint all around screaming at whom ever happens to be there. I see artists as people who eat, breathe and sleep art.

That isn’t me. I jut got done watching the Matrix, lazy, in a dark hotel room alone. I wish I had my sewing machine, I could do so much more. But I have my paper, glue and scissors.

But this is it. No more free stuff. I will make you a custom cover but you need to pay for it. It’s hard work and ruins my nails. I’ll send you something with a donation over $20. Over $50 gets you a book. You need to give me time. I have to be creative sometimes. Especially when the hotel doesn’t have wireless and I can’t sit and surf all day while watching Law and Order.

Meanwhile, the police where here trying to get some guy across the hallway’s door open. He had apparently barricaded himself in his room.

Most likely the dude didn’t pay his bill or was smoking weed. My imagination, edged on by the cabbie’s I’ve been talking to, that he had an escort in there. This is escort central according to the cab drivers in the area. It’s makes total sense you have a cheap hotel right next to the Airport.

I haven’t seen any knockouts yet so maybe this is slumming it. I was told once that I would be put up in the Sofitel. What bull shit. I’m glad I didn’t go.

Back to my CD packaging, I put my heart and soul into these and until I can get them mass printed you are going to have to pay for my time. I’m really proud of myself, and when the recipients don’t have a clue as how much of myself is in each piece and will never know that intensity, I keep remembering how proud I am.

—————-
Now playing: Air – Kelly Watch The Stars
via FoxyTunes

I have a big problem. I do what I want and not what I’m supposed to do. I should be shoving a glass dildo up my ass and a pink one in my pussy while pinching my nipples for customers on ImLive.

Instead I am on my way to the sewing store so I can make a bunch of things that I, despite getting donations for, will not directly get paid for. In fact I probably wont get the accolades I deserve for my efforts. Not that I do it for accolades I just want people to be happier than they are. It makes me feel like my work is shit so I over compensate. DIY must be going out of style. But then again I would never want a wall of beer cans in my apartment so that’s fine with me.

Sometimes I think I should move to LA and work there. I’m not that much bigger and plus size is becoming very popular. I have friends there to help. But there is this powerful magnet that pulls me to the center of Chicago. Even with the winters. I can buy a coat. But first I have to shove a glass dildo up my ass and a pink one in my pussy while licking my tits.

I wish I was a housewife, I’d be the best!

Another pic from TMac.

PS: yes like everyone else I believe I am the center of the universe.
—————-
Now playing: New Wet Kojak – Tito, Tito
via FoxyTunes

If there was more sunlight in here I would probably be more active. It’s hard to keep a hotel room clean especially since I have craft shit all over the place.

Like most of you I do like looking at my naked pictures, but I’d much rather make things. Books, cards, blankets, clothing, even dance routines.

I’m in the new November issue of Voluptuous and they mention I’m a strong contender of newcomer of the year. There is a two-page spread of me but it is interrupted by some special XXL section. So be careful removing the section to see all of me together.

I should work, do some shows for Im Live. Maybe when I get my second wind. I’ve been thinking about a specific routine to a song that is really old but sexy enough to transfer to the now. I might work on that or just make little cd covers for my many dvds that I have available now.

Who fucking knows! I walked 5 miles today, I’m tired.

Here’s a non-chain pic from yesterday.

—————-
Now playing: Flyleaf – All Around Me
via FoxyTunes

—————-

Finally I am writing again. Well I was writing but not for the blog. Too many things happened over the last few days and I don’t want to concentrate on the present, so I went into the past.

It’s always easier to go into the past–the good times anyway. For me that’s the third guy I had sex with. Him beating up my ex. Fucking for 16 hours straight in Vegas. Fucking in showers. And recent vacations.

Reality is, we didn’t get the loft. I am not speaking to my sister. My parents have had it with me. So I’m living in a hotel for who knows how long.

I have a new phone which is cool. It’s the size of a credit card almost. If you had the number before, email me and I’ll give you the new one.

My last post was about missed opportunities. Whenever I feel down I just have to look at the people sitting on the sidewalks holding signs asking for money. And it makes me feel selfish.

Enough with the sad talk. I did a professional shoot yesterday. If any of you pay attention to my twitter I promised chains. So here you go!

I will be working tonight. Maybe later I’ll announce on Twitter what time you can catch me on IMLive.

Enjoy the hat.

Out of most people I know, I happen to have the most bizarre dreams. This could be due to my visceral connection to mother earth. But most likely it’s due to some normal life problems I’m having.

Most dreams for me happen right after I wake up at 6am and fall back asleep and the time I wake up. My dreams tend to be out of sequence and all over the place. I’ll try to arrange this one together as coherently as possible.

It was my high school reunion and I was a successful crossover porn actress who had been in a few Sophia Coppola and Scorsese movies. So my catholic reunion committee decided to accept me and ask if they could have the reunion at my house. Of course I said yes.

High School Picture

I had three pools, two downstairs and one upstairs. My mansion seemed to go on endlessly. It was beautiful and my parents had their own wing.

The reunion coordinator arrived with our old uniforms and a nun. We had to put them on and we looked real good. I was just happy that my skirt was too big and had to switch with another woman.

The nun gave us projects to do (fashion projects) before we could go and play with the boys. The teacher in real life was my English teacher who also was the detention moderator. She was thin as a rail but I swear she hadn’t taken a shit in 30 years. She also hated me because I got out of detention by flirting with the dean. “Oh Ms. so and so, “No Sex Until Marriage” is a Catholic motto…Let her go she doesn’t have seventh period anyway. It would be cruel to keep her here (besides her tits are enormous!).

People brought their kids so there was much ruckus throughout the house. I made them all go to the upper pool and fend for themselves. I can’t deal with kids. They had floaties!

Since I was too busy throwing kids into the pool, I didn’t get my assignment done. And Ms Constipation wouldn’t let me play until I did. I had to use a three hole punch to complete the fashion portfolio. Shoving her lip into one of the holes I told Ms. stick up her ass that I spent a lot on this party and I was gonna go have fun. She gave me an A and left.

I went upstairs to get my bathing suit on and my sister told me the cat puked up this huge hairball. I grabbed a towel and what we discovered was that underneath the nastiness was a whole slew of merchandise from Nordstrom. Make-up, clothing, yards of fabric (all in boxes protected from the goo). We played with it for about an hour when my father came up with a man in a wheelchair who said the cat ate it all at his store and we couldn’t have it. So when the man in the wheelchair eased himself onto his crutches we stole half the merchandise and said we’d let him know when the cat gave up the rest.

I felt bad, the guy had no legs, but it was 4ply silk! That cost’s $50 a yard! And Chanel Makeup that is supposed to make me look 12 again!

Walking back to my reunion which was in full swing, I bumped into a grade school crush. He knew me and thought he would crash the party. So we sat and talked while drinking and drinking, giggling, then making out. Before I knew it, I saw people leaving. All that time had gone by and I hadn’t given my full attention to my guests (which was diving into the pool naked).

I looked around it was dusk. Kids were being whisked away and keys were handed to the people who could drive. I think most stayed at my house though because I remember children in the pool all night.

My paramour wanted to get down and dirty. I looked at him and said that I just wanted to dive into the middle of a bunch of Catholics naked. He laughed and walked home.

So aside from all the obvious meanings of the dream: water, Catholics, school, babies, a cat, a no legged man; to me my dream meant I just have bad timing. I think it was telling me to just let it go, I’ll never be in the right place at the right time. It’s not for me, I’ll always just miss it. Sometimes by a second.

Sad but true, once in Vegas the day before I arrived my friend had driven Bruce Willis to a party. Yeah, I missed it by a day. Imagine what I miss buy the hour or minute. If I arrived one day earlier I would be the happy mom of Atticus Morgaine Willis or if its a girl the other way around.

See, I missed my nipple!

Obviously from everything. It was nice and no I’m not telling you where or with who. Lets just say I was well taken care of.

I just did an interview for Audacia Ray’s column in the Village Voice. Check it out here and leave a comment.

Right now I’m going back to bed.