This is a quick video. my cute faces may be absent well no but its quick. There were 20 people on the train that morning and I was risking it pretty bad. And I don’t do these when there are any children around and I knew Libertyville would be filled with kids. At that point it was just adults and one drunk guy. So enjoy.

Oh and again-no makeup-wow my hair is good!

Also guys, I’m busy! for the first time in a long time I’m actually going to a shoot. So if I don’t answer your emails right away or your im’s its cause I’m not there and trying to do more naked things!

Score has a new DVD out with me called Hooter Hospital

I didn’t even recognize myself on the back. But the other girls had their hair pulled back. I was supposed to do a threesome, but it was just me and J-Mac (thank god!).

This was the video the director told me to not loose weight afterward. She said that I looked perfect. Well I am lying on my back with my head off the bed and my tits in the air while J-Mac furiously pumps me. I think he can come on command. He needs to be in LA.

Bunny’s in it too!

Hey guys just want to let you know that these videos are available through Score and not me. I already got paid my small fee for this and Score’s the best paying outfit out there. So if you want to give me money scroll down to the bottom of the blog and add some money to my amazon honor account or email me. My email is on my about page so don’t be shy!

You train beggars will be happy to know that I recorded a new train video. But I’m not putting it up for a few days. I had a shitty day. Sorry. I too have times when I need to stop and grieve. Sometimes I wonder what did I do so wrong that has made my life so difficult. Hey you guys are great and make my life full of happiness, but you have no idea how much I am judged. How much I am lied to. How many people I have lost. They just leave.

I got a text today and I was completely unprepared for it. I answered immediately. I don’t understand why people can’t pick up the phone and talk to each other. But I guess with today’s technology its unnecessary to be decent and kind to one another.

Then I went to a meeting, you know for people like me that have to go and give it up to god. I liked the meeting until I was somewhat questioned about my implant. WTF? Leave me alone. I’m not on drugs anymore and this keeps me off them. Oh well what can you do. Lie I guess which is exactly what got me into trouble in the first place. Is it worth it?

I decided to spend money because I was tearing up during the meeting, not cause I was there but because of a lame text. So I go to the tanning spa. On my way, shit I got recognized. And adorable guy asked me if I was Alix and I was amazed! He said I was famous. Holy Shit! I am? Why am I poor then? Of course I didn’t say that to him. And if he’s reading, I mean it write me, I write back. I gave him pictures and a hug and went on my way to the tanning salon.

The guy at the tanning salon was trying so hard to sell me everything. I owed them money and he held back the penalty. He wanted me to buy some $99 shit that I couldn’t afford and I said I’ll meet you halfway and bought a $35 bottle. I paid part on my credit card and part in cash. I swear to god he never gave me my change. It was $17 that I needed to get a train ticket home with. And the fucker took so much money from me I was afraid I didn’t have any left. I looked everywhere! There is no way he gave me my change. He must have pocketed it. I made him count the drawer which he did in lightning speed and he came out about right. ABOUT right. Count it again muther fucker its got to be exact shit head!

I called the bank I had just enough to make a withdrawal and get home. I was so unhappy. Yes getting recognized was really great but when you are as poor as me, you just don’t feel famous. I’m returning the lotion tomorrow. I think I’ll go to Belmont and Sheffield to do it. I have no business spending money. I thank those of you who have sent it and remember tanning is part of my brand

So here’s the worst part.

I get on the train. I have about 20 text messages. Yet I keep reading the one from this afternoon. It just doesn’t register in my mind as a plausible explanation. It never will. Like I said, as much as you, and I mean all of you, say you wont judge me, you do. I am your girl next door, right next to you but completely unattainable. I guess so much so that I terrify people and they run as fast and abruptly as they can far far away from me. It makes me sad but it only adds to the fire. Getting over the sadness is the hardest and the longest but when its gone I just add more hate and hate fuels me and doesn’t go away until there is nothing. No more texts! Just call, talk to me, leave a message and be a MAN!

This is the reason why I am not showing the train video. I took the 7:(something) train home. I had $11 after I bought my ticket from the last $20 I had. I put my phone away and resolved to loose myself in my fantasy novel. Six stops in the train breaks hard before the station. We hit a pedestrian and they were under the train. If we hit them from the front the train was unable to stop until they were all the way under the second to last car. They were dead. Someone had a worse day than me. I feel bad for being so selfish. I hate that I’m still sad about my problems when someone is dead. Fuck!

We were right outside Chicago. I had no one to pick me up and take me home. The conductors explained that since the police consider this a crime scene the wait would be about three hours–from experience. No one saw anything. Most of the time, people think they can beat the train. I don’t know what happened here but it sucked and I feel way to bad to show you some dirty video that I produced on the earlier train. Sorry everyone. I know you want to see it and maybe I’ll show it in the next couple of days.

addition: from the Tribune Online:

Metra train hits, kills woman near Edgebrook station in Chicago

Tribune staff report
6:00 AM CDT, June 24, 2008

Milwaukee District North Line Train No. 2155 hit the woman near North Central and North Lehigh Avenues, authorities said. That train usually leaves Union Station at 7:35 p.m. and arrives at the Edgebrook station, 6402 N. Central Ave., about 8 p.m., said Metra spokeswoman Meg Reile.

I have shitty days too. And it hurts, a lot. This had to be one of the worst days because it ended with someone dying. If his depresses you, go to another post.

But thank you Aaron for calling me famous, you got my smile today and on a day like this that is very rare.

OK so here is my little video of me working out to Warsaw Ghetto. Now I did about 30 minutes prior to this so I’m a bit tired, my jeans are very loose and make me look fat, my top is totally stretched out, i have no makeup on and I’m really sweaty.

But I know my fans like my tits and most of you like my curves. Even if I am on the big side for me Chubby Parade will have a field day with this one.

This is the entire video, including me trying to make the speaker come closer to the computer and when I run out of gas from too much flopping around. Phew. Shit I deserve millions for these. I must be the only free site that gives this shit away.

This is for all the industrial fans who have written, commented and shown their love to me and my industrial past! NO SEX UNTIL MARRIAGE!

enjoy me

OK, lots of requests for train videos. I’ll tell you what, if the conductors don’t watch me like a hawk today on my way to the city I’ll do one. And if I get a chance to do something else I will. But remember, those guys know who I am and it’s hard. Some love it but others don’t want to get caught letting me do it. So I have to find a pretty clear car without kids and if its a game day which is very possible I’m not going to be able to do it at all.

I’m trying to but I’ve gotten a few talkings to and even a proposition which I turned down unless he got on camera too. Remember I do this for you but I’m not getting kicked off a train and having to pay a fare again just cause you guys want to see my tits in public.

Like I said, I’ll try!

I’m really amazed at the response I got from the Nitzer Ebb post. It’s fun remembering and then sad that so much time has past. I wonder what they are doing now. I wonder if Douglas McCarthy is married with kids. Oh I’m still such an adolescent! I did get Warsaw Ghetto from Gary, thank you Gary!

I haven’t heard from my real life Douglas McCarthy who is probably too busy and feels weird. I’m scary! They think I still love them when I dedicate things to them. I’m am but not in that way, it’s just memories. I loved him then, now I respect him and just miss him and his teasing. We had a lot of fun when we were young and its odd that we are now so old or at least old enough to not go to concerts and go nuts again. Well I still do, but I’m still nuts! I honestly can’t picture my friend without a suit on. But, shit, he had and still has a great ass!

And so do I!

This pic is from a Score shoot that hasn’t been released yet. I am not responsible for the makeup- but I do look like white trash-those girls know what they are doing!

Maybe you sometimes wonder how I came up with We Could Be Naked. Well, here’s your answer: Nitzer Ebb Without Belief. This is live because I can’t find the video. If you listen to him in when he comes out and starts singing he says They Could Be Naked.

I changed it to “We” Yeah this is 1989 and I saw them in–oh help me out–probably 90, it was the Violator Tour and Nitzer Ebb opened for Depeche Mode. I was a nutty fan of both. I’ll say yeah Depeche Mode would seem like the one I would be more interested in with the hot Dave Gahan. And Depeche Mode was more popular…here, but I was a Nitzer Ebb Fan. Warsaw Ghetto was my favorite song and it was only available on the vinyl and tape. I can’t find it anywhere! I want it. SOMEONE GET IT FOR ME! AND NOT ON YOU TUBE!

At the concert I was with my boyfriend, Joe, My best friend Sara, and John and Justin. (none of these names are real). Believe it or not Sara had bigger boobs than me, still does. Joe wanted to bootleg the concert. So we mushed the small tape recorder down Sara’s cleavage. Security checks weren’t that bad back then and none of us but Joe was worried. We were pretty close and Joe went all the way into the row so he could secretly tape the concert. He was like carrying out a covert operation the way he acted. I had to sit next to him-BLAH! But as soon as Nitzer Ebb came on I was right with John and Justin on the aisle. I knew them both fairly well and had the hugest crush on Justin. To me he looked like Douglas McCarthy of Nitzer Ebb. But none of my Justin crush mattered because Douglas McCarthy was on stage and I was determined to get him to fall in love with me. (ah the young mind 20 rows back and all those lights and I was sure I’d shine like and angel and we would walk off into the sunset with matching white socks and black shoes.)

Douglas McCarthy may look like an idiot in this video to you jerking around and banging his head, but that was how we danced and that was hot as shit! It was slam dancing yet Doug (I can call him that-he’s my boyfriend at this point people, I’m wearing white socks right now) had no one to slam with. And a big venue like (OMG) Popular Creek (I think-it may have been the World by then but I don’t think so), was not equip for slam dancing unless you were on the lawn. But my ass kept hitting Justin and John until they lifted me up onto a chair. I jumped down and danced in the aisle. I remember for some reason being able to do that and only getting a tap on the shoulder. I’d go back closer to the chair then as soon as the tapper was gone I was right back in the aisle.

It was a fucking amazing show. They just knew how to do it back then. Now you go to some hipster show in the city and people just stand there during someone fantastic like Girls against Boys or Sixteen Deluxe. Or you go to the New World Theater (or what every the fuck its called) and are lucky if you see the band on one of the 60 foot screens. Plus the acoustics are all over the place.

Boy we had it made. The blue haired kids have nothing on us now. WE RULED!

And yeah baby I really thought you were my Douglas McCarthy! You had so much fucking passion. And one great ass. This one’s for you!

My bad attempt at photo shop-ha!

Well? Do you like it? It was designed specifically for me! Bubbles, silhouettes, pink and boobies! It’s early and I only have 15 minutes to write this.

I want you all to know that the previous post is true and that I wrote down verbatim what these people told me on the phone. I don’t want anything from them. I hope they throw my footage out. I don’t want to be on a site that lets girls get treated that way. And the funny thing is that I wasn’t hurt emotionally about my treatment, I just got mad. I got mad months before and sent a letter. They did nothing.

They are just too big and can’t control their own success. For them porn is a cash cow and a way to fuck pretty young girls by the pool. Ah the life huh? Yeah well you gotta teach a young girl how to fuck (this takes time we all know) and I already know and there’s nothing better than that! They are flinging money and girls around like poo (gram ponante gave me the poo idea and I can’t stop using it). So fuck them and I’m glad they’ll never call me again.

I’m getting better. I feel more normal which for me is antsy, freaked out, happy, sad, in love, and wanting to take over the world. Shit I’ll be old when that happens but it will be fun getting there.

Now I’m trying to find good music to dance to. I just need to jump around for a while. I’m too horny, too bored, too fidgety. I should go on a date but I feel fat and have to prepare for the weekend.

I need a tan! I need to work! Oh man lets go. I need content!!!!!

I’m an angel come and fuck me on camera!

Seems that my co-star Bunny De La Cruz got bumped. She was on the 1st page then the second page as the models progressed but somehow now she’s on the 8th page! there are 9 pages on the tour. Still no me. My exchange with the acclaimed Earl Apex:

Alix:OMG I was on Big Tits Round Asses to check and make sure they didn’t put me up!
Earl Apex: are you on there?

Alix: no of course I’m not there, they were too blown away by my performance and the director had the scent of my pussy on him that he accidentally gizzed all over my film! I know this for a fact cause there is no reason to pay me that money, know that I was abused and not show my video.-there can be no other explanation.

Alix: but guess what they did to poor Bunny?

Earl Apex: Yummy Bunny?

Alix: Yep the blond with the gorgeous boobies and awesome ass

Earl Apex: Bet you fucked like Bunnies, I know you sex kitten

Alix: oh she had a nice creamy pussy! It was lesbian heaven. But Jarrod kept getting in the way and spitting on me. He gave us both Strep throat! I was sick for a week! I had cultures done and blood tests to make sure I didn’t get anything else.

Alix: She was on the first and second pages for the last two months

Alix: now she is on the last page behind every one that went before her

Earl Apex: the bastards I’m getting my brass knuckles on right now! We’ll show em who the real Bangers are!

Alix: I feel bad it might be my fault

Originally I was going to give you all the phone numbers for Venetian Productions but they have nothing to do with the posting of the videos. I found that out when I called them last Thursday. Anger at two innocent people really fuels my confidence to take on corporations.

I talked to Lucy (we’ll call her) and she said she had nothing to do with my video being shown or not. So I asked her if she had anything to do with abuse on the set and the office. She answered that if I gave her my name and number she would have the appropriate people call me. I said no give me the number and I will call the appropriate people. I hear and ummmmm. To which I replied should I have my lawyer call? Would that help you remember the number? Then she rattled me the number.

It’s not these poor untrained girl’s faults really they just answer the phone and do what their bosses tell them to. I was on of those girls before. Untrained, confused, afraid that if I did one thing wrong some short fat balding man would yell at me in his office. I’m sorry he is short, bald is good–they fuck well. Whats your problem-oh your fat and your gut is stuck under your desk. Well I’m not touching you buddy but I think there is some butter in the kitchen.

I get, lets call him Greg, and ask him who I could talk to about abuse on the set. He happily transfers me. Must be fucking Lucy. Answering machine. I hang up call Greg again and get, hmmm, lets call her Sandy. She informs me that there is nothing she can do about my video going up. It could go up tomorrow or next year or two years from now. WTF!(have you seen some of those girls?) So I ask her about the insult of watching Bunny being paid more $ in front of me. Sandy says oh that she knows about that, our girl (our girl? not our accountant-must be fucking Mr. Bang) wasn’t trained properly. That has happened quite a few times and we are only human…after all. No your not human you’re are professional humans who don’t insult girls like that that have already been pretty dicked around already.

Let me explain the pay. As most of you know, my fantasy is to be in porn. I don’t do a lot of studio porn just a few times a year. A lot of my dreams are to do my own and bring back the plots and even make full length drama’s with lots of sex. Behind the Green Door was a theatrical masterpiece-we need that back–with real women, cause we sell! So I don’t bother with the bartering with the pay. It’s money to me, I’m flattered they want me and I have fun when I’m not with Roid Rage Man. Watch me with J-Mac, I’m lovin’ it! The Army guy–ooooh holy shit! The red head–DAMN! Big cocks strong hips and thighs. They can throw me around the bed like a doll! Army guy told me how good it felt and I came so hard I thought I was in an alternate universe! I take what they offer, show up with a smile and enjoy myself.

So Sandy asked me about the abuse on the set which she was “concerned” about. I told her about not liking to have sex with a known steroid user and that he spit in my face acting like it was an accident. About how the director bragged about dating probably one of the most famous porn stars but having to break up with her off and on because she had a stinky pussy.

In the van Bunny and I were with the director, lets call him Mell, two adorable black guys (they were nice but seemed to have no purpose) and the Roid prick. Mell asked us if we had any ideas for the shoot. We did and started saying what we were good at. Mell laughed, the steroid prick laughed and the cute black guys laughed too. Mell said we don’t care, you’re gonna do what we tell you!

During the shooting Mell had an obsession with my pussy and said it was one of the best looking pussy ever. I was flattered! I liked hearing that. I used to have a hang up about it. But then I noticed he fingered me throughout and at one point his nose was right in it–we were waiting for Roid Prick to jack off for about 40 minutes. He doesn’t like big girls and Steroids make you impotent–so get another job! Be a trainer anything just stop insulting women who never did anything to you fuck face! (Anger- I have to work on).

Oh Sandy was calmly telling me she was upset and said she would call me back after she investigated.

I talked to an oh so beautiful Greek Lawyer that night and we decided that I should get my file to see what I signed. I don’t know what I want from these people. I already got paid. I just have heard other girls say similar things and I want them to stop and maybe get this abuse a little publicity. They are a young company who screwed over Dj Sanchez who (and girls you may find me sick) came up with one of the most brilliant porn ideas this Century–the Bang Bus! It’s sick, it’s gross, it’s misogyny at its worst and its brilliant.

I called on Friday and was hung up on three times. Finally I got Greg who said Sandy was out. I told him to leave her a message, I wanted my full and complete file. He said OK I’ll tell her thank–Don’t you want to know my name? Dumb fucks!

Monday I had to leave a message with Sandy’s answering machine. I’m tired and sick of being a bitch. But today it starts all over again. And Sandy is sick. No one can help me because no one is in legal. So I told whoever that I would just have my lawyer call and hung up. Thats the treatment you get when you are just starting out from Venetian Productions. Watch out girls you’d better be hot shit or they will spit on you.

They need to follow Score’s example and hire good people who care and don’t think we girls are just a bunch of dumb sluts. I like fucking and you’re not gonna find many like me. I take after Ginger Lynn in that respect and I hope one day I can do her justice. And Christy Canyon who brought us BOOBS!

Wish me luck-let people know, blog about it, link to me, I want this to stop. What happens when they hurt someone not as strong as me. What will happen to her?

Ah, sometimes this blog is fun sometimes it’s scary. But sometimes it’s just damn exciting!

I wrote last nights post at 3am in a fit of rage. I don’t let these people get me down, just mad. Don’t worry, I have lots to play with. People are funny. I’m amazed how cowardly and inane they are! It’s hilarious. News on the prime beef guy he doesn’t exist! Oops I thought I was talking to a guy, guess not. EWWWW.

I admit I did get too upset. But when you go through what I just did, it hurts. Maybe, I’ll see if the girl would arrange a Pay-Per-View Jell-O wrestling match. Winner take all. I’d be rich! She may be a lot bigger than me but I work out. A lot. Even on my back, or on top, reverse cowgirl, doggie, and any other way I want to do it. Yes I’m proud to be a slut, poly’s have it made! And I make lots when I make video’s and it’s better to be a slut with money than a player with none!

I am the Succubus and you can’t win! Now run along with your empty doggy collar and leave me alone.

I’m just so tired of this boring discursive with this loon. I feel like fucking on top of Watertower. Thats the types of experiences I’ve had and I want more, More, MORE!

I got this message in AFF tonight from a man named Ed:

Glad you’re leaving my area

May others be subject to your run around fucking bullshit wild goose chase. Good riddance! Chicago doesn’t need shitheads like yourself!

First I contacted Ed because he said he was a trainer and I thought it might be nice to see if I could learn how to work out properly. Our emails on AFF were really fucked up, he wouldn’t get mine or I wouldn’t get his. Mind you I have my nude pics up and get on average 100 emails a day.

Finally, Ed was able to read my email and see my site’s email. I got his email on the 12th:

Hello again, Ed/ixxxxx from AFF checking in again, I hope this address will be the final one, I hate dealing with the IM!
I check this address throughout the day, so give me a shout anytime. If you’d like to meet at some point soon or get together and work out a bit, I’m open for either. Hope to hear from you soon! Enclosed photo is from about an hour ago, getting stronger by the week, woohoo. Take care dear, Ed

Oh my, my chaste and alluring legs crossed so tightly as I gazed at his picture. I don’t really go for moron underwear.

I didn’t see this on Thursday because I was dealing with the Bang Brothers Mess. I was looking up old emails from them and trying to get them to stop dicking me around on the phone. (and I promise a blow by blow tomorrow)

Friday, I found I had the chance to move, for free, to a place and do my webcam videos so that I could save up for LA. Then I found I was going to also be able to stay in another part of the country and make money there too.

So I posted the move on the blog specifically so Lips, who really doesn’t deserve me anyway. I mean this woman sent me a letter telling me that they were a monogamous item. This after she told me to fuck him the same day she shut her AFF down (I have friends too).

Yet his is still up so I don’t get it. Do you want to fuck a porn star or not? Cause you’re fucking smokin’ baby and I want me some of that prime rib! If your head happens to be a little messed up or if you are scared of me, I really don’t give a shit. I just want to fuck you. We don’t have to talk at all! A suck and fuck from Alix is unforgettable, and unbeatable!

AHH, I’m a crazy girl and have terrorized this poor schlep hiding behind his girl yet still lurking on the AFF for another. Sorry babe, I only wanted an explanation, and not one from your girlfriend who set me up in the first place! In a few days you might remember why I thought you were serious. But I’m not sure if I want to post all your pretty words. I could keep them to myself. But I told you to read the letter about the Succubus and she still has the cake.

Back to Ed. Since it hurt so much not to get a response from Lips of Steel, I decided to give Ed one. I mean after all I want to let him know how sorry I am that I am shitting up Chicago.

Ed,
I just got to this email. I agree AFF is very confusing. I usually try my best to keep up but sometimes it gets hard. Having the magazine column, blog, countless videos and pictures on the net makes my email in box pretty crazy. I’m sorry I took so long, but you see I have been going through some life changes and I didn’t realize that three days would subject you to my “run around fucking bullshit wild goose chase”.

I was planning on getting in touch with you soon and seeing what could happen while I am still here. Like I said I wanted to try out your gym. But I guess since you think I’m a shithead and Chicago will be better without me, that wont happen.

People get busy Ed. The move was a unexpected opportunity, that I was unprepared for. I’m not leaving for a while so your going to have to put up with my shitting up the city for a bit longer.

Next time you insult a girl, especially a writer, keep that in mind. Also keep in mind that I owe you nothing. I had no obligation to write you back at all. And this response is for your piece of mind.

Alix Lakehurst
Published columnist/ blogger/model/adult actress.

I have a picture he sent, oooooh mean! I have his email, ooooh mean again.

Radiohead is blaring Karma Police and I’ve been having a real rough go of it in the last few days. I think I’ll choose to not loose myself for a minute.
Besides, I have Daniel, Danger, Chaw, Matthew, Jeff, Jason, Jon, Jon, John, Reny, Brian, Hush, Rob and oooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my Eddie (licking my lips). They are all beautiful, perfect, and ready for me!

Baby, you know I love you, but here’s what I think of your comment.

I don’t know what addiction is. I really don’t care. I’m writing this on the blog in response to you because I feel close to you and my tummy gets all these butterflies when I see you name on my comment list. I tried to post a pic a while ago on a comment I made and I’m just out of practice on myspace. Sorry, post any of the ones you see of me you want. If you want.

Like I tried to explain in my email and my post, there is nothing worse than methadone when it comes to withdrawal. People like Dr. Phil, spend maybe an hour or two running over the next shows content then runs out and only has about 15 minutes to spend on all these different additions, the rest of the time he just yells in a southern accent while his wife smiles and claps (Yeaya, have ya’ll seen aur hause?)–Fuck Dr. Phil! He needs to take methadone for a month and then tell us what the next three months of his life are like.

I went to tons of drug therapists, talked to many addicts. Read forums. IT IS THE WORST WITHDRAWAL OF ANY DRUG. Crack, alcohol, heroin, paint-thinner, wiki sticks, crank (I’m drawing a blank here) don’t hold a candle to it (just like 75% of the BTRA girls don’t hold a candle to me-but I’ll get to the site that should be called Gianna and friends soon). It takes at least three months to get out of your system. That’s why I have the headaches, shakes and anxiety. I’m not in pain like people who go off it on their own but I’m in enough pain to want to go get Vicodin. Thankfully, I can’t do that anymore. They put something in me to prevent it from reaching my brain. I will admit that I can’t trust myself. I’m my worst enemy when it comes to substance abuse.

The news is just starting to report methadone related deaths. It’s been on the street for years and more heavily when I started taking it. It cost $5 a pill when I first bought it. Now it’s up to $10 or $15 a pill. Since I would buy in bulk I’d get a discount–not much more than what I paid for in the clinics. When I tried to stop after only having been on it for a few weeks, I was almost paralyzed. It took me 20 minutes to try to make my brain move my hand over the 6 inches away my phone had dropped when I passed out a few minutes before. After getting a dose from my dealer I could jump right back up an hour later.
That scared me and I read about it in forums. I spend all night reading forums and medical reviews.

People blow their heads off, stab themselves, hang themselves, you name it to stop having to go through withdrawal. I can imagine the steel of the knife going in or the rope sucking the air out of the body probably feels good compared to what you go through. A friend of mine is going to die soon because avoiding the nightmare awaiting her is almost worth only a few years left.

Why did I do this to myself, I don’t fucking know? My dad was a huge drug user. He gave up all rights to me when I was 8 so I could be adopted by my new dad. I never knew him, he was absent all that time. I talked to my uncle one drunk night about my dad and how much fun he was. He was always drunk, high, tripping, snorting coke, taking pills (back then they were uppers and downers). It was like hearing about my own life. So since I was not raised by an alcoholic or a drug addict, I believe that addiction is genetic. Call me weak minded but I’ve done this before and to erase 20 years of doing something that you think everyone else is doing is hard and not weak minded in my eyes. I don’t drink or do anything else. Methadone scared me enough to stay away from anything stronger than Valium.

AA,NA call it a disease and some take that term loosely and others literally. The last time I was in the group I belonged to thought it was a disease and aspirin was frowned upon. That drove me nuts!

I know I’m weak, I know I did horrible things to my body. Padma with her soft voice and weird (I think self-inflicted scars cause she was a Seal freak at 12) says, “my body is my temple and I don’t put anything bad into it.” Good-fucking for you, I’d think dragging on my smoke. Right now I’m having an issue here cause my best friend fucked my boyfriend, so I’m going to pour this vodka down my throat and smoke three packs of Reds while you do your yoga there and I make fun of those ridiculous positions. I hope you fall that would brighten my day. Oh yeah, and my body is also my temple of Babylon, what the fuck was wrong with all that? It looked like fun!

So yes sweetie, I believe in some areas my mind is weak. Mostly in the area of making myself do physical things-along with 75% of the population. But I am not stupid which is what people end up believing when “the mind is weak” theory comes up. It takes a hell of a lot of will power to do what I have done twice. It also takes a lot of intelligence.

I used to get drunk and do coke by myself (this is like 10 years ago) and write stream of consciousness. It’s hard to go back and read some of it because it was some of the deepest emotions and darkest parts of me that I didn’t know I had. It was good shit. Scary shit. Horror and comedy at the same time. I would talk about murdering designers for fucking up good fabric. I would write about my boyfriend who treated me like shit and peeling him like a banana.

Some of it was frivolous and would probably sell. I would watch late night fashion TV and write furiously pretending that I was a critic and come out with some brilliant crap. But it scared me those journals. I tore some of them up. I shouldn’t have but when you wake up crying (that’s how coke effected me) you just want to get rid of it all.

So I was a writer on drugs 10 years ago and now I’m a real writer on pills. I’m clean now and don’t for one second think that being on methadone was fun. It was waking up every day in pain until the drug hit your system and maintained it’s regularity. There was no high when I was going the clinic for a dose. I just fell asleep a lot. The only high I felt was during the few short months buying it on the street and making sure I took less than half what my dealer did.

I’m sorry I did it, I’m sorry I drank and did every drug I would let myself do. But these apologies aren’t for you they are for me. And as bad as people think I was that was my life and I OWN it completely and embrace it. It’s Alix’s life. And on a side note, I had one fucking good time!

If people want to think I have a weak mind-so be it. But they haven’t lived in my shoes and they haven’t experienced the fun it was to be high nor the lows. I am me. It’s all I can be. Hearing judgments from radio and TV personalities (Dr.Phil maybe smart, but he sold out-shit he deals with on his show take years to understand and he does it in in an hour) , only makes it worse. AA NA PA (pills anonymous-yes they need one) are anonymous. We deal and we go on. We don’t tell each other we have weak minds or that the disease has crushed us. We just want to try to live like normal people and not have all these mental midgets tell us who and what we are.

Spend a year and try to go through what I went through, I don’t think you are going to want to call it anything more than life.

Methadone user/detox Blogs
Methadone detox diary

Pic’s from FA’s myspace page–go be his friend he’s the shit!

I will do this with the nice boys!

Most of you know what I just went through so im trying to get off my meds and…

I woke at 5am. This is pretty normal and I try to stay awake. The sleeping pills they gave me are awful.

People chat with me and I fall asleep at about 9 and the nice guys from AFF (Adult Friend Finder) and my fans all get messages like this
yeah thaklllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
oh shit sorry
Are you tired?
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipppk;llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Oh man i guesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

it just goes on and on. I look like and idiot but at least its really funny cause they don’t know what I’m doing.

But then there are the bad guys:

Cowboy

After lunch with a friend, I had 20 minutes to get to my train so I called this cowboy who I had TENTATIVE plans with on Sunday. He was mad at me and he’s from Texas so all I heard was: (try to read it cause I really think he said it) weel,yallarentbustinmychinkenwireormybullhorn. youferrealormidancingajigwithnopartnerandllookinlikefoolsgoldhery’ll, as usual I just laughed and said “yeah OK, I get it”(?)
I guess when he talked to me on the phone Saturday he said something about calling him around 4 or so. I didn’t say anything to confirm a 4pm call.

So then he talked his Texas mumbo jumbo a little more, but I heard very clearly because he pronounced it “I guess this is strike one”
Oh I laughed so hard at him I had to pull the phone from my face. I calmed and said “so I get two more then?” still giggling and he said: “weel, Idonknowdeponyourblblblblblb”"
I said I had to get a train and hung up on him

A few days later he called apologizing with his tail between his legs or something. And he’s got a hot body and I need content, so if I have to fuck him twice or three times for the camera then I will, but this is what I said to his good morning on YM:

Cowboy P: good morning Alix
Alix: good morning, have to tell you cowboy, I know you’re in the military but I didn’t appreciate a “strike one”. I am not a baseball player, but if I do like to bowl and with my strike one that gives you a gutter ball!
Alix: We didn’t have confirmed plans and if I feel like hanging out with one of my friends a little longer it shouldn’t matter to you
Alix: You should respect that
Alix: i wasn’t really mad I just laughed
Alix: ive never been given a citation before from a guy I’ve never met. Beware honey I like you a lot too, but I’m a writer and a pretty famous one so you don’t want to end up on my blog or in an article in Bust, Bitch or MissBehave one day. But I never use real names and you wouldn’t read those anyway.
Alix: if after that you still want to contact me without your military hat on write me on here

NEXT

LOVE MY COCK GUY

It’s lengthy but very funny and I know you want to see tits but please read it-I really laid into him at the end.

youralixxx: how do I know you
west_chicagoland_friend: we exchanged emails on Adultfriendfinder
west_chicagoland_friend: so since you are a pornstar I thought to embark on the same carrier path
youralixxx: really
youralixxx: are you porn star material
west_chicagoland_friend: I can last indefinitelly
west_chicagoland_friend: you saw my profile and testemonials
youralixxx: the important part isn’t lasting long
youralixxx: it the pop shot
youralixxx: yes now i remember you
west_chicagoland_friend: what is a pop shot
west_chicagoland_friend: looks you mean
youralixxx: when you come
west_chicagoland_friend: i can splash
west_chicagoland_friend: it would be fun to make a movie with you
west_chicagoland_friend: suck those big tits and kiss those sensuos lips. I met 13 girls this winter in 3 month thanks to this site
youralixxx: wow lucky you
west_chicagoland_friend: I just composed a funny email which I sent you as well
west_chicagoland_friend: and it worked
west_chicagoland_friend: lust for your bust, urge to merge etc.
west_chicagoland_friend: I would like to have sex with you
west_chicagoland_friend: I find you very desirable
youralixxx: thnak you
west_chicagoland_friend: a fiery greek lady

So after that awful exchange, I get his webcam which I thought would be his face. No ewwwwww it was his dick. Yeah jerking off for me and while he may have a rather large one he also had a big hairy belly that folded in when he sat there in his kitchen which didn’t look like one I wanted to be in. I said “I want to see your face, I see tons of dicks yours looks the same as all the rest.” He moved his camera up. This guy was about 45, very hairy, naked and not porn material. If you are someone like Tommy Gunn who has about ten years on me then it’s ok to be 45. But not some pudgy dude who then after letting me see his face went back to his penis–the love of his life. I put another chatters window in front of the cam window. And told westchicgofriend that i am not some object just because i am in porn. I’m not a sex robot. I deserve to be treated with respect and in no way do i want to see your cock–you do not want to be compared to a pro. I am not your new Stepfford wife!!!!

He begged, How do I make you comfortable? I have law degree from overseas. I am educated.

Alix: What ever dude-get yourself 16,000 girls through this site this summer! I’m not going to be one of them!

And this is for my lover online-my ass honey!

Well Gram Ponante outed me. Although I could deny it, but I’ve gotten more and more honest on this blog as time has gone by that it just doesn’t make sense to lie. It also may make sense why I am listening the Dwarves (ROCK ON Muther Fucker!).

Almost 2 years ago my 45 year old dealer who looked like he was 60 from doing so many drugs, demanded he taste my juices and I become his woman or no more drugs. Calling my sweet nectar juice and using the words “my woman” was enough to scare me out of my 40 pill a day Vicodin habit.

Quiting a 40 pill a day habit requires telling your boss that you need a month off and lying in bed while bugs crawl all over your body and you hallucinate that the ceiling crack is God telling you how you are not welcome in heaven and that in fact you are dead and in hell. Forever pain, paralysis and bugs! Or just watch Trainspotting–thats pretty accurate.

The friends that introduced me to the dealer felt for me and brought me xanax and morphine, Valium and other stuff. Morphine, by the way, doesn’t work when you are addicted to Vicodin or oxy. They are two different families and I would have had to take a whole bunch to feel better.

They gave me these white pills. It was Methadone. I was scared but then I thought, they get it from doctors and the government regulates it. It is also used for all opiate/opiod withdrawal (heroin is an Opiate). It instantly made me feel better. So I took it for the time being. My friends were junkies and I didn’t want to become one of them (yet I was and had been for quite a while)

I don’t know, two weeks, a month later I stopped. By the forth day I was stuck to my floor, with really big bugs crawling on me and every organ felt as if it was being squeezed. I thought I was dying. I called my friend and I think she rushed over even though it felt like days. I popped 2 wafers and was fine 20 minutes later.

Fast forward to now. I had been getting the drug legally by a doctor for a while. I was depressed and getting fatter and fatter. hey put me on a cocktail of anti-depressants in March (I don’t know why). But one day in early May I said I want off now! The drugs must have worked or I just got sick of being chained to a drug. It was like having an ankle bracelet jail thing. I had to go to the clinic almost every day and they watched me take it.

If you look up methadone and go to forums you will find hundreds of people suffering through withdrawal or just looking for he strength to go through it.

I went through it for 4 days and these people do it for 3 months. They are my hero’s but had they been able to pay for it, they would have done what I did.

Methadone hides in your bone marrow and muscle tissue. I didn’t know this. Plus, there are two schools of thought, one that it is the worst drug imaginable, two that it is an adequate pain med that has no withdrawal at all. I talked to a guy who was given 300 mil a day for pain and every morning he was in incredible pain until he took the drug.

Doctors prescribed it then take it away and tell you your an addict and deal. I would put them on it for a month. I really would force it down their throats!

Thankfully there are doctors who do understand and clinics that offer rapid detox under anesthesia. I searched everywhere on the net calling tons of places. Some offered me a week to 10 days of oxy100 and then switch to Suboxone (another opiate similar to methadone). Another clinic offered me oxy100 and D-I-L-A-U-D-E-D!. Do you know what saying that word and oxy100 does to an opiate addict? Remember drugstore cowboy? Yeah, thats it. D-I-L-A-U-D-E-D!

I don’t remember what the rest of the procedures were at those clinics I could only imagine all the work I could complete, all the cloths I could make, all the writing I could do, and all the filming I could do with some D-I-L-A-U-D-E-D!. I would be perfect again. And yes there’s the rub, I took them cause I believed they made me perfect and you can’t imagine the work I have done on my beloved Vicodin.

I shook my head clean. The reason why I was on the drug Hitler used to kill his troops or keep them in line (German Scientists made it as an alternative to morphine.) was because of drugs like oxy and D-I-L-A-U-D-E-D! . One taste and I would be letting some 45 year old dealer junkie taste my juices. EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

I called a place that was probably the cheapest (Having Dr Phil on your website allows you to charge upwards of $20,000 for some tests that map out your brain so they can read it like psychics–its an astrology chart for $20,000-total bullshit). They gave me names of people to call and I talked to the man who had been on it for pain and he talked to me like another drug addict and I started crying. He said there wasn’t pain but it was rough. I would be up within 3 days and the drug would take 3 months to get out of my system. But pain no, less energy, yes. Opiates produce the seratonin and dopamine that produce endorphins and adrenalin. So I hadn’t produced that for 5 plus years.

I pooled my money together and asked for loans and went to that rapid detox center. I was gone 5 days. I feel better now but still have to take meds to stop any withdrawal reaching my brain which is protected now. Opiates/opiods can not get me high anymore. They made sure of that by putting an implant in that is kind of like antabuse for alcoholics. I feel good and want to start dancing again (not stripping) and rollerskating again and working again.

I may loose many readers because you all thought I was clean. But all I can say in my defense is that I never felt high, it just stopped the pain in the morning. And made me fall asleep. Despite waking up at 5 or 6am I don’t fall asleep like that and I stay up building my energy and every day is better.

Now I take calls from people thinking about going through the procedure and help them understand and let them know that it was the best decision of my life! Everyone is afraid of the pain because it’s horrible. People commit suicide during self detox off methadone.

I didn’t go through rehab. Like I said to Gram rehab is where the drugs are now.

I’m so sorry I misled you all.

I envy normal people.

Yes I am a nice person to put that whole video up. Now SEND ME MONEY! I give you boobs for free and the least you could do is show your appreciation. Donate anonymously by using the amazon honor system link. Or email me (alix@wecouldbenaked.com) and I’ll tell you where to send it.
Or you could lurk and never know how I reward my contributors!

Things are happening fast, every day I get two or more people telling me about new pictures they see of me. Right now I was just told I was the featured model of Boobpedia! The guy that runs the site said he just thinks I’m so cool! Thanks Boobmaster/The Honorable, modern day King ruling the world of boobs! Ah what a glorious and wonderful task. Keep the peace, all the beautiful boobs of the world need you!!!

All Over The Woooooorld, Everybody’s Got the Woooooooooooooooord!

I think your pretty cool too!

And I am in Xanadu! Finally! Xanadu! Your Neon Lights Will Shine for You In Xanandu!